But what if I did want to live together, or have children, or get married: would that make me less queer? What if I wanted to do all of those things with a same-gender partner: would I be more queer then? Would your perception o f me as queer differ if you knew whether or not I’ve been polyamorous in the past, if I’ve fucked anyone of the same gender before, how many people of the same or different gender I’ve fucked, or whether or not my partner and I fuck each other in ways that same-gender partners do?

I can’t help but feel like someone’s counting the notches on my bedpost. Maybe I’m doing the math myself, trying to understand my own identity as it fits (or doesn’t fit) within a broader social community: anti-marriage, plus dildo sex, plus past experiences, plus political alliances = queer enough. Queer enough, plus different-gender invisibility and straight privilege, plus monogamy = insecure in my identity.